Once Works Well was pure technology. Now it seeks merely to divert.
Pansy subjects - Verse! Opera! Domestic trivia! - are now commonplace.
The 300-word limit for posts is retained. The ego is enlarged

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

I pay Denplan so should I suffer?

Yesterday I reflected on the nature of pain. Rachel’s a hygienist and, no doubt at all, her grinding, poking and scratching hurts. But how much? The worst pain I ever felt was a bout of sciatica, closely followed by the aftermath of dislocating my shoulder and cracking the scapula while ski-ing. Being de-plaqued wasn’t in that league and, in any case, the pain was different. Having to remain passive (Bad form, old man, to wriggle.) was one difference. Another was the inescapable belief that the pain could get worse at any moment. That Rachel’s wretched ironmongery would break through the tooth, mince up the nerve and send me into outer space.

Interesting, that. Apprehension and pain are, in effect, the same sensation.

Afterwards I was slapped on the wrist for not using an electric toothbrush. It’s the rotary motion that counts. Mrs BB has one so I bought my own brush-head at Tesco. The brush motor has a two-minute timer to keep you at it and I have to say two minutes is close to eternity.

Before she went electrical Mrs BB – whose views on dentistry constitute the most private and irrational aspect of her life I’m aware of – used to sing a song in her head which lasted exactly two minutes. A mantra to keep Rachel at bay. Emerging this morning from my little Calvary in the en suite I asked Mrs BB what the song was. She refused to say. I wasn’t entirely surprised.

Yesterday included a check-up by the real dentist, a willowy blonde whose friendliness is a bit too synthetic. She felt my lymph glands and asked me to do suggestive things with my tongue. But there is no eroticism in the dentist’s chair.

9 comments:

Relucent Reader said...

Ah, the House of Pain. If my serious hygienist is unavailable, I get a perky, enthusiastic sub. I don't like perky at the House of Pain.
I covet the cool tools for my model making.

Julia said...

I like Mrs BB's idea of a song to time her brushing. It must be a pretty long ballad to last for two minutes!

Barrett Bonden said...

RR: You're right - perkiness and orthdontics don't mix. On the tools front my dental practice has only one set of forceps (among three or four dentists) so if there's a extraction they have to send down to the boss man for a pair. The forceps are apparently expensive but from what I'm paying them each month I'm sure they could pursue a disposables philosophy.

Julia: Exactly my point. The longest (ie, most verses) pop I know is Bewitched right up to:

Romance finis
Your chance finis
Those ants that invaded my pants
Finis.

or is it:

Learned a lot
And burned a lot
Now you are broke so you earned
A lot

But even so I could hardly stretch it to a minute. Perhaps Psalm 121 ("I will lift up my eyes unto the hills...) lasts longer. I think she's fibbing. Or she sings much much slower than is her normal tendency.

Avus said...

Pity you live the other side of the country, BB. I think I might like to add myself to your dentist's list - mine is a rather large, hairy gentleman of Asian extraction. (No,he has never felt any of my glands)

Julia said...

Even sea chanties aren't that long (which surprised me). Next guess, ask Mrs. BB if she is by any chance singing an Irish folk song.

Rouchswalwe said...

All I can say is that my dentist has the best taste in shoes and she loves my homebrew!

Barrett Bonden said...

Avus: Not felt your glands? You're being under-treated.

Julia: A lightning flash of enlightenment. Perhaps she sings Ten Green Bottles but starts at a thousand.

RW (zS): That shoe revelation suggests you are clay in the dentist's hands, scared out your breeks, your head permanently directed towards the floor.

Lucy said...

I've never yet got a dentist to admit that electric is better when it comes to brushing, though intuitively I would say it was.

It's right about the anticipation isn't it? For that reason I try to insist on the maximum dose of novacaine possible, even if it means I'm obliviously biting the inside of my mouth to a pulp for the next 24 hours.

Barrett Bonden said...

Lucy: As a macho man I'm forced to do without knock-out drops for drilling. This can be quite a burden. More recently still, my dentist, faced with removing a shaky molar offered me the option: "With or without anaesthetic?" I went the latter route and blogged about this. There were advantages but for three or four seconds I was sure it was the worst decision I'd ever made.